Anchored in Love: Theology Through the Lens of Abuse

A year ago, I agreed to participate in a research study about abuse in evangelical churches.  After completing the hour-long phone interview, I paced my house with sweat pooling in all of the wrong places.  I asked the interviewer if she was able to spot any commonalities in the interviews so far.  “I have,” she shared.  Then she continued to explain how interesting it had been to hear the interviewees use the same language to describe God as they had used to describe their abusers.  I stopped pacing, frantically attempting to replay our conversation in my mind.  Had I done that?  Yes.  Yes I had.  I was not exempt from this common trend.  I was now a part of the data.

That one sentence observation was like a seed that took root in my mind and has continued to flourish a new understanding.  It has offered a lens through which to look back upon my upbringing and a faith tradition that is worldwide and see it in a way that finally makes more sense.  I want to process it in writing and offer anyone else this lens who might be lacking the language to describe their own experience.  Let me be very clear: Though I think fundamental Christianity cultivates abusive theology, I do not believe it is maliciously intentional.  Much like generational trauma, I believe it has been perpetuated and rooted over time.  Like abusive family lines, I believe the perpetrators are also the victims of the same system.  I will use strong words, and it is because I believe the repercussions are serious and the people impacted are so valuable.  This is my own experience, though, and I’m not claiming to see the whole picture. 

I’ve been in an abusive relationship.  It impacted my mind, body, and soul in complex and damaging way by confirming harsh untruths that I already believed about myself. Unraveling truth from the reality I believed has been such a knotted and messy process.  The negative repercussions felt like tentacles that had wrapped around my insides, slowly squeezing life out of me, until I could recognize and chop off each separate mutation.  Now, I can see them quicker as they start to emerge again.  Being in healthier, loving relationships has helped me see the direct contrast–it’s given me a new control group with which to hold up the old.  

When I use the lens of that abusive relationship to look at my spiritual life, I see so many similarities.  After evolving from my prior doctrine, I often hold beliefs up to this lens to judge their fruit.  I believe God is Love, leaving no room for abuse when in relationship.  But if you’ve had abuse in your past, even when you find a beautifully healthy love, things can still get foggy and confusing very quickly.  Personally, I’ve needed some anchor points to swim back to when I find myself spinning for reality again:

1. Unconditional Love Doesn’t Have Conditions 
Anyone claiming unconditional love but coming with the risk of losing that love cannot, in fact, be unconditional.  It’s a mirage. 

2. Love Celebrates the Individual of Its Affection 
Anyone claiming me worthy/good/whole only if I’m with them is not loving me; they are loving the idea of me.  

3. Love Does Not Equal Control
Anyone claiming to love me while also seeking to control me (my behavior, my finances, my boundaries, or my appearance) is not loving me well.  

4. Love Takes Responsibility and Does Not Threaten Harm
Anyone blaming me for their own choices is insecure and unstable.  To threaten harm to me or anyone else falls on the hands of the one threatening.  We are all responsible for our own actions. 

5. Love Has Boundaries, Not Isolation
Anyone seeking to isolate me and calling it “protection” is not loving–they are fearing. 

6. Love Won’t Feel Fearful and Confusing
Anyone who claims to love me but often leaves me feeling confused, fearful, and shameful after an interaction is probably not a person who actually loves me (Check yourself first–you bring your own baggage to every situation, so take responsibility for any of those feelings that are from your own insecurities).

These anchor points have been in my own head for a while now, but I want to challenge myself to write about them each more in depth.  So over the next few weeks, I’m going to discipline myself to write about each of my anchors and explore how they’ve developed in my own mind.